What’s Your Emotional Relationship With Money?

Do you spend a disproportionate amount of time thinking about money? Perhaps even with a knot of anxiety or a feeling of frustration? You’re certainly not alone. Money, for many Kiwis is intrinsically tied to our sense of security, freedom, and identity.

As humans, we are often emotional creatures first and rational beings second, and our relationship with our finances is no exception. We make spending decisions based on feelings and often carry subconscious beliefs about money that can actively sabotage our long-term goals.

The good news is that understanding this powerful emotional connection is the first step toward transforming it. By shining a light on your deepest feelings about money, you can create a positive and empowering money mindset that supports, rather than hinders, your financial aspirations, whether they involve buying your first home, growing your KiwiSaver fund, or simply enjoying the best of life here in NZ.

New Zealand’s Current Economic Situation

Before diving into the personal psychology, it’s important to acknowledge that, as Kiwis, our emotional relationship with money is often shaped by the local economic reality. New Zealand’s high cost of living, the often-elusive housing ladder, and the collective push to save for retirement through KiwiSaver all add emotional weight to every financial decision.

For many, money anxiety isn’t just about managing a budget; it’s about navigating an ongoing conversation - How can I afford to stay in Auckland? When will I ever be able to afford a deposit? Am I saving enough for retirement?

Recognising these external pressures helps us separate real, practical challenges from the often-louder, unhelpful voices of our internal money thoughts.

What Does Money Mean To You?

The meaning of money extends far beyond its ability to pay the mortgage or cover the weekly grocery shop. We unconsciously “bestow” emotional attachments onto our use of money every day. Consider the feeling of paying your monthly power bill, is it annoyance or resignation? Contrast that with the joy you feel when you splurge on a weekend getaway or buy a new item of clothing, for example. Money itself doesn’t possess the power of emotions, its power lies entirely in the way using or thinking about money makes you feel.

Security?

For many Kiwis, money is a shield. It represents the ability to weather a storm such as a job loss, an unexpected repair, or a global pandemic. The goal here is not wealth, but resilience. If you are constantly chasing security, you might find yourself overly cautious, hoarding savings, and missing out on smart, calculated investment opportunities.

Freedom?

For others, money is the ultimate expression of choice. It means the freedom to quit a job you dislike, travel the world, or devote time to passion projects. If you value freedom above all else, you might struggle with the rigid structure of a budget, as it restricts your spontaneity.

Power Or Status?

Less often admitted, but frequently felt, is the association of money with power, status, or validation. This mindset can drive unnecessary consumption (the constant need for the latest model car or the biggest house in the neighbourhood) simply to prove success to others.

What Are Your Negative Money Beliefs?

A powerful way to start building a healthier money mindset is to dive deep and understand your subconscious “money script.” This script is a set of deeply ingrained beliefs about how money works, who deserves it, and how it should be used.

An excellent exercise to uncover the unconscious reasons behind your daily financial decisions is to break it down into bite-sized pieces. Take a pen and paper and complete the following sentences as quickly as possible. Don’t overthink the answers, the first thought that comes to mind is the most revealing. Step back and have a read through of your answers and see if you can identify any patterns or limiting beliefs that might be holding you back.

1. People with money are …?
2. I’d have more money if …?
3. If I were rich, I would …?
4. Saving money is …?
5. Investing is only for …?
6. My parents always said that money …?
7. Will I ever be able to afford …?
8. When I think about my bank account, I feel …?
9. My greatest financial fear is …?
10. I deserve money because …?

How Do You Perceive Wealth?

The way we react to other people’s wealth is incredibly telling about our own internal money landscape. New Zealand, arguably more than many other Western nations, grapples with the concept of the Tall Poppy Syndrome (the cultural habit of criticising or cutting down people who are perceived to be showing off their exceptional wealth or success).

When you see someone who is clearly doing well, perhaps driving a brand-new, expensive car or building a new house, what are your immediate, unfiltered thoughts? Do you find yourself envious and critical? Or inspired and motivated?

If you find yourself frequently veering towards the critical and envious, you are confirming to your subconscious that wealth is negative or unattainable. If you judge success harshly, your brain will work hard to ensure you never become successful enough to be judged yourself.

To develop an abundance mindset, actively change your internal script. Even seemingly benign negativity, like thinking, “I bet that costs a fortune in petrol,” is a negative anchor. Try changing it to imagine how great it would feel to be in a position to take that car for a stunning road trip over to the West Coast and focus on the positive possibilities, not the perceived negatives.

Addressing Limiting Negative Money Beliefs

We all carry programmed, often nonsensical, beliefs that prevent us from taking positive financial action. These are often the phrases we heard growing up “I’m just not good with money.” “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” Or “We’ll just have to tighten our belts.”

Stop and think about why you feel this way. Are these thoughts factual, or are they just mental habits? Once you start to realise that most of these are just programmed narratives, you can work on shifting your mindset about wealth.

Try reframing these thoughts into more positive variations, such as “I am learning and improving my knowledge about money every day. I can use the same Kiwi ingenuity I apply to DIY projects to master my budget”, or “Money is a tool that flows through my life. By providing value, I generate the resource I need to create the life I want.”

Whatever your emotional attachment with money is, if it is holding you back from achieving the lifestyle you want, the lifestyle that aligns with your values, it may be time to consciously review and get rid of those limiting beliefs!

3 Practical Steps For Money Mindset Transformation

A positive mindset is fantastic, but it must be paired with action. Here are 3 simple, actionable steps to cement your positive emotional relationship with money.

1. The Conscious Spending Check-In

Before every purchase over a set amount (say, $50), pause and perform a simple emotional check-in: Am I buying this out of necessity, joy, or avoidance? Does this result in rational spending or a negative emotional cycle?

2. Track Your Wealth, Not Just Your Spending

Focusing solely on a tight budget can reinforce a scarcity mindset. Instead, start tracking your Net Worth (assets minus liabilities). This shifts your focus from what you can’t buy to what you are building. Seeing your net worth grow (even slowly) is a powerful positive reinforcement that fuels an abundance mindset.

3. Talk About Money (The Healthy Way)

In New Zealand, talking about salaries or personal finances is often a taboo subject. However, secrecy breeds anxiety. Find a trusted partner, friend, or financial coach and commit to having open, non-judgmental conversations about money. This normalises the topic, reduces shame, and allows you to learn from others’ positive behaviours.

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